18 Jul I Get Scared Too.
I think that since I’ve started writing this blog, I’ve painted a picture of myself as a typical young woman. Maybe a stronger-and-more-secure-than-normal type of woman… but that may not be entirely true.
Don’t get me wrong, and don’t take me as egotistical, but I am strong and secure. I’ve dealt with a lot of crap in my life and have taken it with a grain of salt. I haven’t caved in under pressure and I refuse to let someone disrespect me.
As strong and secure as I may be… I am still just girl. Like any normal girl, I am insecure about my body.
I’m not surprised I’m like this, to be honest, because of the torture my body endured while dealing with my Crohn’s disease. I’ve been grossly skinny, with bones sticking out everywhere, to overweight with a fat face of an alien thanks to medications. I’ve had thinning hair, pale skin, and dark circles under my eyes. I’ve spent a lot of time looking like I was going to die, so ultimately, my view of my own body is less than great. It has improved immensely since I’ve been healthy, as you can obviously tell since I can pose half naked for pictures haha.
Despite having those (I want to say normal) insecurities about my body, my ostomy is not one of them. I could basically just whip off my pants and show it to the world. I love talking about it and spreading awareness. I am not insecure about my ostomy.
99% of the time.
99% of the time I talk about it like the daily news. 99% of the time I force people to poke it. 99% of the time, I make a joke about it to large groups of people.
1% of the time, I wish I was wearing a huge, baggy sweatsuit.
This 1% of the time only occurs when I start seeing a new boy.
Obviously, I open up (right away, I might add) about my ostomy to a new boy. I explain what it is and how it works, if they haven’t already figured it out for themselves, and I basically make sure they understand. They need to understand it if they’re going to date me.
For some reason, once I’m past the point of explanation and thing begin to get more intimate, I get extremely awkward and weird when it comes to showing my ostomy to them.
I’ve always had the mantra that I am who I am and whoever doesn’t like it isn’t worth my time. That’s exactly what I think when I’m dating, and I know that if a guy can’t handle my ostomy, then he’s not for me.(Duh) It just sucks knowing there’s the small chance that the guy you’ve just fallen for can decide they don’t like you anymore because of it. Obviously I wouldn’t even want to date them by that point, but it’s sad to lose something you’ve grown to like.
I have been extremely fortunate in my life that I have never been in situation like that. Every guy I’ve dated has been accepting of my ostomy whether or not they themselves were a decent guy. (The ostomy really doesn’t filter our the assholes like I hoped it would.. haha) My ostomy has never gotten in the way of anything that has to do with relationships nor, obviously, does it change who I am. But for some reason, I just hate letting them actually see my bag.
I now have a new boyfriend (finally, right?) named Rob, who is amazing. He’s basically just like me. We like a lot of the same things, we think alike in many ways, and we get along really well. He makes me laugh and smile and respects me.
He’s also made it very clear that he completely accepts my ostomy. He asks tons of questions so he can understand it, he giggles with me when it makes weird noises, and he keeps trying to look at it! He’s so accepting of my ostomy that even when I had the wonderful misfortunate of having a “major ostomy issue” (for the first time in, maybe 5 years?) he was perfectly fine with it. I was beyond embarrassed and thought that he would for sure dump me because it was too much. Instead, he pulled me close to him and proved to me it wasn’t a big deal.
It isn’t a big deal.
For someone as confident as I am with my ostomy, it really surprises me that I get like this around guys, especially with Rob. He’s proven that he doesn’t care what I have and that he likes me for me.
Maybe it’s some mixture of the already existing insecurities about my body tied to the fear of losing someone I really like. Regardless of why, I know it needs to stop.
Eventually I know I will get over it.
It’s just something, like every ostomate, that I have to get used to.