Earlier this afternoon I was walking along Bay St., here in Toronto, after speaking to a group about Uncover Ostomy. I was wearing my “This is where my ostomy is” tshirt without a jacket, since it was a nice 18 degrees Celsius outside. As I walked past a small group of picketers, I got called over:

“Hey! What does your shirt say?” 

Obviously, I stopped to explain.

Two members of the group seemed quite interested in what I had to say, while another joined in mid-way through my explanation. This guy asked me if I been on TV because he had remembered seeing me. (Yes, I had been and you can click if you haven’t seen it yet). After I finished my explanation, I walked cheerily away, happy to know I had spread some more ostomy awareness.

Lo and behold, I received a message from the UO contact form a few hours later reading:

I spent 5 minutes explaining to this guy and a group of his comrades that I shit in a bag (and showed it to them), yet he still managed to check out my website and fill out the contact form just to hit on me.

(Don’t worry, I responded with a gracious reply, thanking him for checking out the website.)

I often get asked if I’ve ever had a problem dating with an ostomy. Have I been turned down because of it? Have I been broken up with because of it? Have I had a hard time finding a guy at all because of it? The honest answer is no.

Well… the real honest answer is that it took me 5 years after ostomy surgery to actually be able to date since beforehand, I weighed much more than I do now (thanks to steroids) and was extremely awkward and weird (thanks to being isolated in the hospital without social interaction for 2 years.)

But after 5 years of growing into my body and learning how to socialize, the ostomy never, ever, ever, got in the way of my dating life. Since those years, I’ve been asked out multiple times, dated around, and actually been in relationships with a solid number guys. Having an ostomy had never once gotten in the way of forming relationships at all. In fact, I used to hope that it would be a filtering device to keep the jerks at bay… but apparently not.

Anyhow, I have had such luck in the dating scene with an ostomy that I began to wonder why. Over the years, I’ve just kind of figured it’s been because I’ve always been so positive about it. I still wondered, though, how no guy has ever cared about my bag.

So I decided to do an experiment.

A lovely girlfriend of mine, new to the Toronto dating scene, decided to sign up for the free online dating site, OKCupid. She showed me how it worked and how she was getting some dates here and there simply from having her profile online.

I’ve always thought online dating was silly, but I thought this was the perfect opportunity to test how my ostomy would be received online. So, I signed up using my real name as my username, (which is apparently frowned upon but I clearly didn’t care…), filled out my profile in a quick haste, and threw up some pictures.

I don’t think I could have tried less.

And I did it on purpose.

When asked why I was on the site, I answered that I was there “for the laughs.” When asked what the first thing people notice about me was, I said “I don’t know, ask them.” I also specified that guys should only message me if they had a degree and a professional career (lol) and when I was asked what the most private thing I was willing to admit was, I said “Everything. Nothing is private. Just Google me.”

I basically put up a wall saying “hello, I’m a bitch” but used my pictures to intice them to Google me to come across the ostomy.

And they did.

In between the ridiculous messages from guys trying to be funny (like this guy)…

…or antagonistic to win over my attention, (like this guy)…

…or just trying to spark up a conversation (like this guy)…

…I would get a ton of messages from guys saying that they had Googled me and thought that was I was doing was great!

Some said that they thought was I was doing was awesome, and then would ask for my number. Some would ask me more details about how I got my ostomy, and then ask for my number. Others simply sent a messages saying they had learned something new, hoping to spark up some conversation. I even had one guy remember me from an article in the Western Gazette some 2 years ago!

While I got messages from guys who had found out the ostomy and still wanted to explore something with me, there were a few guys who didn’t want to actually date me. However, it apparently was not for the bag, but for “irreconcilable differences,” (like this guy)

Despite having an extremely off-putting profile, guys still Googled me, and still asked me out.

Bag and all.

Now, I wouldn’t be feel comfortable with my Masters degree if I didn’t point out the flaws in my study, which all academics must do. Unfortunately, there is one giant flaw.

What about the guys who Googled me and decided not to message me because they discovered the ostomy?

I wasn’t able to track how many guys viewed my profile, looked me up, and decided against contacting me because they had discovered my bag. Because of that, I was unable to calculate my conversation rate.

But you know what?

Who cares?

All those guys that didn’t message me on OKCupid are the same group of guys who I would never think twice to talk to in person.

And clearly, with proof from my experiment, there are enough guys out there who literally do not give a crap about the ostomy.

(badumbum)

I have since shut down my experiment because I am now in a new relationship with a wonderful guy. A guy who never thought twice about my bag, which he knew about before we even became a couple.

When I asked him why he was so accepting of it (obviously, because I had to know) he said it was not the attitude I have towards it, but the fact that I am confident in myself as a whole. He compared it to the same situation of women who are self-conscious about their weight. He said, if a woman is going to complain and feel badly about herself because of how much she weighs, a guy isn’t going to want to date her. But if the same woman embraces her weight and is comfortable with who she is, her body size doesn’t matter at all.

You hear that? An ostomy is just like anything else you might be self-conscious about; weight, height, hair colour, shoe size, breast or manboob size, anything.

An ostomy is just another thing on that list.

Another thing that you can choose to complain about, another thing to feel bad about, and another thing to get in the way of finding yourself a great boy or girl.

So, friends, the moral of this story is that we should all be comfortable in ourselves no matter what we think is wrong with us.

Because in the end, it doesn’t ‘effing matter.

I am proud to announce that the winner of our first ever “Where’s Your Ostomy” contest is Taunya Wideman-Johnston!!

She earned her spot as the winner for the contest because she not only posted multiple pictures (seen below) but she got others to share and talk about the pictures she posted. Taunya was a great contributor to positive ostomy awareness and she deserves this win 100%!

Congrats to you!

Before I post her story, I just want to announce that in the next few weeks I will be throwing up another chance for you to order your very own “Where’s Your Ostomy” tshirt! Keep checking this blog, the Facebook page, and my twitter account to find out when!

Now, without further ado, Taunya’s story:

I am so thrilled to have had the opportunity to participate in Uncover Ostomy’s “This is where
my ostomy is…” campaign. It has been so inspiring to see how many people have come forward
to share their ostomy pride! What an incredible campaign! I am so grateful to be able to share my
story with you.

The symptoms of my chronic illness began 9 years ago. At the time I did not know I was
experiencing the symptoms of a chronic illness. During these first initial years, I saw many
doctors and health professionals. I received many medications, treatments, procedures, surgeries,
and differing diagnoses. But the bottom line remained; no one knew what illness I had, if
any. Years later, I was extremely fortunate to meet a doctor who knew what was wrong and
I was diagnosed with Diffuse Irritable Gastrointestinal Tract Syndrome (DIGITS). Having
this diagnosis brought on many new challenges and finding ways to survive DIGITS has been
very difficult. I have had numerous surgeries, too many feeding tubes and catheter lines, and
ultimately was permanently on TPN. When my body started reacting to TPN we knew we
needed to find an alternative plan. This is when the conversation about needing an ileostomy
to save my life started. I was extremely nervous about having a colectomy and permanent
ileostomy. At the time, my surgery was completely experimental with no idea of the success of
an ileostomy. Despite the unknown success, I decided to have the surgery and almost 5 years
later, I know that was the best decision I could have ever made.

When I had surgery to have an ostomy (which I named Oscar), I was full of fear and negative
feelings. I was ashamed, self-conscious, and petrified what people would think. I didn’t want
anyone to know. Over time I have realized that living in secrecy was not the answer. I didn’t
want to spend my time being angry and ashamed of something that has saved my life. Having
an ostomy is nothing to be embarrassed about and engaging in conversations about ostomies are
essential to reducing peoples’ fears and discomfort.

For me, DIGITS continues to progress, change, and advance in my body. I try as much as I can
to keep my symptoms “manageable” (if that is at all even possible, I still don’t know), but in all
of the grave conversations I had had with doctors, I have come to 2 major realizations:

1. I like to laugh (and living with a chronic illness can seriously attempt to put a significant
damper on laughter in your life).
2. I want to live in whatever capacity I can (This has taken me years to accept).

Neither one of these 2 realizations underestimate the hardships and traumas I have and continue
to face but that I don’t want to stop laughing and living because of DIGITS. I know the realities
of DIGITS, hard times and days are ahead, but I will enjoy the moments I have and I refuse
to stop smiling and living. No matter how sick or impacted my life has become because of
DIGITS, I still want to make my dreams come true. I have definitely had to be much more
patient and creative in finding ways to pursue my dreams but I still want to experience my life.

I want people to know that although ostomies are huge lifestyle changes, ostomies are beautiful lifesaving interventions. Every time I think about someone not knowing about an ostomy, my thought is always “Everyone should know about how much life is given in each and every
ostomy”.

“It’s one thing to read it. Another to see it.”

Above is a paraphrased quote that was said to me by one lovely woman about Uncover Ostomy. She touched on the fact that it was one thing to read about what an ostomy was, how it saves lives, and how it is possible to live with one, but it is a different experience to see someone with one in person. Especially to see someone as happy as me.

I’ve shared my story online, I constantly write about my life, and I post pictures and videos of it all. However, there’s only so much that can be expressed through a computer screen. This is why I speak to individuals and groups alike with a giant smile on my face about how the ostomy saved my life.

Last week, I was lucky enough to have two very unique speaking opportunities to share that, as well as what Uncover Ostomy is all about.

The first speaking opportunity was to a lovely group a women in North Toronto. A number of these ladies had very little understanding of what an ostomy was, while others who had previously heard the term were shocked to see me, not only in such good health, but happy as well. After I recounted the tale of how I ended up with my ostomy, I shared the awareness efforts we have made, and the strides we’re making to spread awareness for the future.I was thanked with a roaring round of applause, and a great number of personal comments afterward. Many of the comments focused on the fact that they couldn’t believe how accepting and upbeat I was. I was happy to know that I had shown them the positive side of the ostomy.

A few days later, I made my way to London, Ontario, where I spoke to the members of the London and District Ostomy Association -quite a different crowd. I didn’t have to stand up and explain the ostomy, nor did I have to share much of what Uncover Ostomy was doing to spread awareness. Instead, I spoke of personal acceptance, and how they too, could be as happy as I am because of my bag.

Again, I was thanked with a wonderful round of applause and had the opportunity to speak to a number of great people who had the nicest of things to say to me. Many of these individuals shared that they were just as ecstatic about having their ostomy as I was. It was wonderful.

Despite Uncover Ostomy being an online awareness effort, I believe that there is so much more that can be done beyond the computer screen. This is why I make sure to take the time to speak to those, aware of the ostomy or not, about what we are trying to accomplish with Uncover Ostomy, as well as spread positive thoughts about the surgery. I can write, I can share, I can post pictures and videos, but I cannot reach people on the same level that I can in person.

They say that happiness is contagious, but I believe it is only so when shared in person. I want to share the happiness that I feel because of my ostomy with everyone I can.

Unfortunately, I am only one person who can only be in one place at one time. I can only educate others about the ostomy, answer questions about the ostomy, and prove, in person, how having an ostomy is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me, so much.

This is why I need all of you to help me out.

For those of you with ostomies, or even those without, I need you take all that Uncover Ostomy is – education, awareness, acceptance, and happiness – and share it with those in your  lives, in your circles, and in your communities. I need you to take what we’ve built here: the support, the positive thoughts, the funny comments and stories, and let others know that the ostomy has been the best thing has ever happened to me, to you, or to others. The ostomy is a wildly positive thing, shadowed by an extremely negative stigma. This is why we need to share the happiness with everyone we can.

Friends: I need you to be my voice.

I need you to be my smile.

——–

For questions or concerns about opening up and sharing your ostomy, or sharing about the ostomy if you do not have one, please feel free to comment here or on the Facebook page for some guidance and support!

If you’d like to have me speak at one of your events, please feel free to Tweet at me @JessGrossman or email me at jessica@uncoverostomy.com.