09 Feb You Never Get Used To It- No Matter How Small
Tomorrow I’ll be having a minor surgical procedure.
Now, don’t get all worked up- it’s nothing ostomy related. I wouldn’t exactly deem it Crohn’s disease related either, but it is definitely a by-product of my low immune system.
I wont go into much detail about it, except for the fact that it’s a tiny surgery/out-patient/ not a big deal-kind of thing.
If it was a big deal, my mother would be on a plane right now to NYC to take care of me. Since she has decided not to, I can only assume this is nothing to worry about.
I’m still beyond nervous.
I hate this. Every part of it. And every part of me shows it.
Whenever I visit a doctor’s office for some small procedure, I can’t sit still. I squirm, or make faces, or both. I do this because I know what’s coming- often, in far too much detail. Most of the time, the doctor notices my awkward reactions, reviews my chart and says, “hey, you’ve been through much worse than this. This is nothing.”
Ok doc, let me just grab a scalpel and let you feel it.
No matter how many times I’ve been sliced, diced, and sewn back together, it hurts and I hate it.
I don’t believe the ideology that the more it happens, the more you get used to it. Maybe it’s true and others get used to it, but in my case, no.
Maybe I’m just a baby.. Or I’m too self-aware.
Yes, that’s it. I am aware of everything that is going on around me, behind me, above me, and every pair of eyes that are judging me.
My self-awareness comes out mostly when I get a pre-surgery consult. I realize all too obviously that I am lying on an examination table and someone is staring at me. This self-awareness leads me to become awkward and uncomfortable from the set of eyes (sometimes even two) that are scanning every part of me.
Knowing that I cannot avoid this inevitability, I often follow the mantra, “if I can’t see them, they can’t see me.”
AKA- I take my forearm and place it directly over my eyes so that I cannot see the individual who is deciding how is he is going to lacerate my body.
How am I a grad student?
No matter how old and mature I get as the years go by, I believe that the number of big or little procedures I’ve had, or will have, will not change the fact that I am still that 8 year old girl who began the journey of dealing with Crohn’s.
Have you gotten used to surgery? How do you do it?
Wish me luck tomorrow!