Happy 3 Years?

A little while ago I got a text from my brother saying, “Happy 3 years.”

“Happy 3 years?” I replied.

“I don’t know what to say before the 3.”

Neither did I.

What are you supposed to say when you bring up the anniversary of a death?

It’s been 3 years since we lost our father on August 30th, 2009 to myelofibrosis, a rare blood disease. For those of you who have been following this blog since it’s inception, you know the story. For those who don’t, you can read what happened here and read my blog about the journey here.

By now, I’ve come to terms with the loss of my dad. It’s been a long journey, but at this point, it’s just my life. I still miss him every day, but I am used to him not being here.

It’s kind of weird to look back over the past couple of years and think of all that has happened since he’s been gone. To be honest, I never would have thought anything that I have experienced since his passing would have ever happened to me. I didn’t think I’d end up going to graduate school in New York, I didn’t see myself dating who I dated, I didn’t see myself in the job I am in now, and I didn’t see Uncover Ostomy being as amazing as it is today. Would this all have happened if he was still here?  Would he be here to congratulate me on my Master degree? Would he be here to grill my past boyfriends? Would he be there to discuss my future career plans? Would I have poured all of my efforts and energy into this campaign?

Maybe it all still would have happened. Maybe where I am right now is where I’m supposed to be.

Or maybe, just maybe, his passing pushed me to work harder and be better and strive for the best I could get in everything I set my mind to. Maybe.

Nevertheless, I still wish he was still here today.

I still remember the last one-one-one time we spent together before he was admitted to the hospital. We were sitting side by side on the couch in the basement, both in pajamas. It was a small couch so he was close. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I remember his tone of voice. I could tell, through his words, that he was scared of the future he was to face. But I could also tell that he was proud of the future he could see I was going to have.

I hope I’ve done him proud.

Time Capsule

I tweeted a little while ago that I had been invited to participate in WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month’s Challenge. I was a little shocked that I had been found, let alone invited to participate, especially since as I actually made my profile for the challenge, they didn’t have an option for “ostomy” in their drop down selection of  topic for my blog. Nevertheless, I thought I should sign up and see what this thing is all about.

From what I’ve gathered, the challenge is to write a blog based on a specific topic they give you, everyday. Will I be able to write a blog post everyday? Considering that it’s crunch time for my last full semester to get my M.A at NYU, probably not. Will I try? Hell, yeah. Nothing like a challenge to pump the adrenaline.

So over the next month, I’ll be trying to keep up with their blog topics. I will be challenged to actually write about what theyve asked me to write about, as opposed to writing about my life- which is just sooo much easier.

I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Here is the blog topic I was given for today:

Every life has a story. But often the most well-preserved stories are those accompanied by physical objects and visuals. In this year’s kick-off to HAWMC, create a time capsule of your stories, your life. Will your time capsule be a physical box or a collection of writing or visuals compiled in a digital format? Where would you hide your time capsule? What is inside your capsule (memorable objects, photos, advice), and what stories do the contents tell? Who do you hope will one day find your stories and what do you image they will think? Will your stories ever be on display or will they have a different purpose?

I’ve never made a time capsule before (or I have and have forgotten about it…) so this was an interesting thought for me to think. What matters most to me? What are the most influential moments of my life?

At first, I assumed that this question was asking me about my life in terms of my disease and what I would put away to remember that time. I immediately thought that my box would actually be made out of an empty TPN IV bag, as it was the symbol of my entire time struggling with Crohn’s disease in and out of the hospital. I had been in and out for 2 years, with most of those years being hooked up to an IV pole of TPN because I wasn’t allowed to eat. At one point, I even had this pole at home and had to hook and unhook myself from it (with the help of my parents) every night. I then thought I would include things like a Push Pop, one of the lollipops that were kept in a plastic tube that you had to push up. They were delicious, especially as they were one of the few things I could “eat” while I was sick. I thought I would also include a mini ostomy bag, of course, signifying surgery. I also thought I would include a picture of 6A, the floor at Sick Kids hospital that I resided in. And lastly, I thought I would include one of the hospital bracelets I have somewhere saved in my room, which I supposed I have saved for this reason.

After thinking about my time capsule and beginning to write it out, I realized that this blog topic wasn’t asking about the story of my illness, but it was asking about the story of my life. As most of you know from this blog, my sickness, nor my ostomy, are in any way my life, but are simply small elements of it.

I realized there is so much more I would put in my time capsule. In fact, I would even change the physical element of my time capsule. I quickly changed my mind from the IV bag to a small metal safe- both for resistance to the elements, and so that I could lock it  (logical, right?). I thought I’d bury it in the backyard of my childhood home so that I could find it sometime when I’m old. It wouldn’t be on display- it would just be for me. I’ve got my blog as my display.

As for contents, I knew I would put all of those things I had mentioned above, signifying my struggle with Crohn’s. However small part of my life it was, it was extremely influential to the person I am today. And yet, there is so much more that makes me who I am; so many people, places, and experiences.

Thinking back to these memories, I began to envision what I would include. I started thinking about including a pair of dancing shoes, from all the years of dance I enjoyed. I thought I’d also include a yearbook from my grade 8 class, as it was the last piece of my elementary school education and it took up 12 years of my life. I thought I’d include a pictures from all of the school plays I participated in, in high school, as well as cd’s with recordings of the songs I had sung in vocal class and choir. Obviously I knew that I had to include pictures of my friends and I from high school as well, especially since they some of the most important people in my life, who I fact, still keep in close contact with.

University is the most recent but most memorable time of my life, so I knew there was much to include from then. I thought I’d include pictures from my experience in university residence, my apron from working at the campus restaurant, and an essay I had written for one of my last classes. I’d include pictures of my friends and having ridiculous amounts of fun for no apparent reason either at the bar, or at a friends pool. Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures from our study sessions. which were when we really bonded, but I may have some study notes I’d include in there as well as a reminder.

My sorority was also a big part of my life, so I knew I’d have to include my bid card (invitation to join), as well as the composite picture where I am president. I would also include pictures of some of the greatest memories of my time there, such as pictures of parties, sisterhood events, and philanthropic events like the bone marrow drive we ran in memory of my dad.

I would of course, include things I had from my dad, such as his cologne that I keep on my dresser at home to remind me of him. I would also put one of the favorite pictures I have of him and I, where he’s holding me at less than 1 years old. I would also include a couple of random toys that my brother and I used to play with as children such as lego and playmobile. And I would include the hotel room key from the time my Mom and I went to Vegas, back in 2010. I would include the birthday card that my boyfriend gave me and a picture from one of our happiest moments. I would also  include a couple of old pieces of jewelry  from my deceased grandmother, and recent pictures of me and my living grandparents.

I would include maps and ticket stubs from my backpacking trip to Europe. I also thought I would my student card from NYU and an I <3 NY tshirt to signify my time living in the city…

..Maybe even my beloved stuffed animal Mr. Wrinkles who I’ve had since I was 1…

As I went on and on thinking about all the things I would put in my time capsule, I realized that there are so many memories from so many people in so many places that I want to remember. I don’t think there is any way I could actually put enough away to remember it all.

One thing I have learned in my short, 22 years of life is that the moment is really all you have. While memories are great things to think about, that’s all you can do with them. What matters is enjoying the moments with the people you love before they become memories, because once you have the memories, the only place they can go is in a time capsule.

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What would you put in your time capsule?

Sometimes The Best Way To Deal With Loss is Just to Smile

Every year at the end of August my family gets together and heads down to the Canadian National Exhibition, or The Ex. For those who don’t know it, it’s exactly what you’d expect to be; a huge exhibition with vendors, rides, games, shows, and food… TONS of it. Some of my best memories are trying out foods from the famous food building on site.

My family and I have made the Ex an annual tradition since I can remember. We’ve been going, I’d say, for at least 10 years. We’ve been going for so long that there were some years where I had to be wheeled in a wheelchair because I was dealing with my Crohn’s disease. It was a mission for me, but I wasn’t going to let a stupid disease ruin our family tradition. My dad always made sure I would never miss it.

That’s why I didn’t miss it today. Today is the 2nd anniversary of my dad’s passing from complications due to a bone marrow transplant. For those who don’t know the story, I wont get into detail because of those who do, but you can go to this link to read the story.

Though it’s the 2nd year I’ve lived without him in my life, today’s adventure was still lacking without him. Actually, a lot of things in my life have been lacking without him.

It was weird being president of my sorority without him cracking bad jokes about the position.

It was strange graduating from UWO this May without him there to clap as I walked across the stage.

It’s odd knowing I’m moving to NYC and getting my Masters at NYU without him telling me he’s proud of me.

It still upsets me knowing that I can’t sit down and talk with him about everything that’s going on in my life.

It’s been two years but I’m still not used to it.

Instead of sitting around and being sad, mopey, and depressing, I thought there was no better way to remember him than to go to our favourite event. We had fun, we laughed, we ate ridiculous food, and we spent time together as a family.

That’s all he would have wanted.

Miss you daddy <3

May the New Year Bring Only Joy

I’m back from a wonderful vacation in Jamaica with my mother and brother, and currently heading to London to spend New Year’s Eve with my boyfriend. It is this time of year that you must spend with the ones you love because you never know when the opportunity will disappear.

Over the past few years I have become very aware of this, with my grandmother and my father’s passing, but as of last night, the point was reiterated yet again.

Myself and my sorority sisters found out late yesterday evening that one of our graduated members had passed away. She was only 22.

This girl had been around during my first year in the sorority and then became one of my roommates when I lived in the sorority house in my second year. We had many great memories together.

Last year, we grew apart because she left the sorority and I was busy dealing with the loss of my father, school, and everything else a normal person my age has to deal with. I posted on her facebook wall but I never got around to actually seeing her. I always figured I had time.

Though I never make New Year’s resolutions, I decided that this year would be an exception. I have always know that I have difficulty keeping in touch with the friends I have made over the years. I always just expect to see them again in a certain situation, which I usually do, and it’s like old times. I realize that I can no longer make this assumption and must make the effort to stay in touch.

My new year’s resolution is to actively reach out to those that I have made friendships with so that I will never miss the opportunity to show them what they’ve meant to me.

Happy New Years, and may 2011 only bring good things.

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Video from my Jamaican vacation will be coming soon, keep checking.

The Holiday Season

Oh the holiday season.

I guess for me, this season will always bring the good and the not-so-good emotions.

This time of year is a mix of emotions between enjoying time with the loved ones in your life but is also about remembering those who are no longer with you.

This weekend when I was home in Toronto I celebrated Channukah with both sides of my family. We went to my Bubbie’s house [My father’s mother] for our usual Friday night dinner. This time though, it was accompanied by latkas [the traditional jewish food during this holiday] and gifts. Saturday  too, included latkas and gifts with my mother’s side of the family.

I hadn’t really been around my family for a few months since I had moved back to school, so it was a nice change. I missed everyone and enjoyed spending quality time with them.

Even though it has been a while since his passing, it has still been hard celebrating the holidays without my dad. I don’t really know how to put it into words, and I don’t know if I can, but it was hard.

To top it all off, yesterday, I received an email from a family with a picture attached. The mother of the family had emailed me explaining  how she had met my father. Apparently, the family had met my dad at Princess Margaret Hospital when my he was in for weekly blood transfusions and their daughter was in for treatments. The mother had told me how much fun my dad had been and what a great person he was. Attached to the email, was a picture of an ornament they had made of my father to put on their special “angel” tree. This tree has 12 ornaments of people they had met and who had passed over the past two years who they consider heroes.

I guess I didn’t really realize how much I missed my dad during the holidays until I received the email, last night, during my sorority holiday potluck dinner. I read the email as it came to my blackberry while sitting at a table with a bunch of my sisters. The email was so touching that I actually cried at the table. Luckily, I was able to hide it. However, in an instant my tears were quickly turned to laughs when a sister made a joke. The laughs reminded me of the love within my circle of friends and reminded me to cherish the time I had with them.

Last night was definitely a great moment during this holiday season. Of course I had an amazing time with my family back at home, but last night was special as well. At 6pm yesterday evening, our house began to fill with girls and food as we all prepared to feast for our holiday potluck. There were almost 50 girls present, each with a separate dish in hand. There was tons of food and laughter, and I had a great time.

Though this is really only the beginning of the holiday season, I have already experienced an overwhelming amount of joy and love. I am so lucky to have such special people in my life and I couldn’t be happier.

This holiday season, please appreciate the loved ones around you.

<3

Happy Birthday to Me?

I am currently sitting on my couch, trying to recuperate from a 10 hour day at the Canadian National Exhibition. I’m also watching the clock change to midnight, making me 21.

The Ex used to be a long standing birthday tradition for me in my family. Every year, no matter what, we would spend the day there on my birthday or the day before or after. When I say “no matter what,” I mean that. I had to spend some of those trips in in a wheelchair because I was still sick with Crohn’s. It didn’t matter, though; I had to go.

Over the past few years, however, that tradition’s been slacking. Birthday’s in general, really, have become increasingly less important to me. I stopped going to the Ex. This was a great change, and I had a great day thanks to my Uncle, brother, and cousins, but really, I’m not very excited to be 21 today… Maybe it’s because I’m getting old?

According to the “guess your age” guy at the Ex, I’m 34.

I do always say I’m a 35 year old at heart, so it was close…

Anyways, birthday’s really haven’t meant much to me, especially after last year… with the whole dad thing… So yeah. I don’t really know what to say.

Well…My mom thinks it’s a big deal.

So “Happy-I’m-21” to my mom. Love you and thanks for giving birth to me etc etc  <3

A Year Ago Today…

My dad passed away.

Still can’t believe it’s been a year. Well I still can’t believed it even happened.

I don’t really feel like writing a whole thing today. I just wanted to give him the honor of being mentioned. I know he would be proud of me for this blog, so this is the least I can do.

For those who are new to the blog and don’t know the story of what happened to my dad, you can read the blog I kept up for him during his journey here

Happy Father’s Day. Still Miss You, Daddy <3

Today was the first time I’ve been to visit my dad’s grave.

Grave.

I hate saying that word.

Anyways, I visited him. I mean, it’s Father’s Day, so I had to. And it’s not like I don’t want to visit him… it’s just far. And I mean what do you say to a big rock and some grass that’s supposed to represent a person? It was weird. I really should go more often, though…

Well today is definitely not the kind of Fathers Day I’m used to.

I still remember last year as if it happened yesterday.

Dad was sick and weak, but we knew a bone marrow match had been found. We were positive about the situation. I, as a waitress at Moxies at the time, was not smart enough to book off work that evening. I was serving tables of families celebrating their dad’s. I guess at the time I had been so positive about the situation, I didn’t even think that anything bad would happen to my dad and that there would be many more father’s days to come. But as I got deeper into my shift, I realized that maybe I should be with the rest of my family, celebrating the day. The shift was slow, the restaurant was pretty empty, and I wasn’t waiting on many tables. I went to my manager who was supervising at the time and I told her that I realized where I needed to be. She knew what was going on with my family and, thankfully, let me go early and got the other servers to take over my tables. I ended up at my great uncles house just in time for dessert. I grabbed some delicious ice cream cake and sat beside my dad, wishing him a happy father’s day.

Still, to this day, I cannot even describe how thankful I am to that manager who let me leave. Because of her, I was able to enjoy the last father’s day I’d ever have with my dad.

Happy Father’s day to all the dad’s out there.

<3

Late Night Ramblings on a Late Night Dream

There he was, sitting on the busy patterned couch in our living room in a white wifebeater tanktop and white boxers telling me how he had been alive this entire time. He explained how he slept most of the time and when he woke every so often he would stare at the top of the casket interior and hope that someone would realize he hadn’t died. Someone had and that was why he was sitting on the couch beside me, telling me. He was still sick, he said, and still needed a transplant. And then he laughed his warm laugh and it went blurry.

Daddy.

I had always heard rumours that eating dairy before bed gave you crazy dreams. I never believed it until now.

Last night I filmed another commercial for that competition I mentioned in the previous blog, and it required that I eat pizza. The filming went really late and I ended up eating some right before I went to bed. Clearly it had an effect on me.

I used to rarely have such vivid dreams. Especially dreams on something as meaningful as this.

I don’t really have much to write about today, I guess. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Thanks for reading.

Like We Needed To Do It Again…

Today was sunny and warm for the first time in a long time in Toronto.

I’d like to think today was that way because my dad made sure of it.

We needed the sun.

Today was my dad’s unveiling.

An unveiling is, in the Jewish tradition, pretty much like a second funeral. We stand around the grave, say some words, a few prayers, then have a reception with lots of food. What’s a Jewish get together without food?

It was nice to have the sun shine down on us today.

For those who don’t know, my dad passed away last August and today we “unveiled” his tombstone.

My mom said the stone looked nice.

I’m sure it did. I didn’t look at it.

I’m sure I will soon.