I am Fine. - Uncover Ostomy
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sigh uncover ostomy

I am Fine.

“Fine.”

By definition, the word means “in a satisfactory manner,” or, you know, that everything is OK.

We say it often. When someone, for instance, asks how we are.

“Oh, I’m fine.”

But what does the word “fine” really mean?

Many of you reading this might already be thinking – wait, fine does not always mean everything’s OK. In fact, does it ever really mean things are satisfactory?

As the sitcom formula goes, a guy does something, unbeknownst to him, that upsets the girl. He carries on with his day, until he realizes the girl is less than happy with his presence.

“Honey, something seems different. Are you ok?”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“Oh, ok, great. Want to get some dinner?”

“NO. GO AWAY.”

End scene.

never do this.

Really.

I promise.

pinky swear

Trust me, I am not one of those women who just keeps things to herself and says she’s fine when she really just wants to punch her guy in the face. For real, my boyfriend can attest to that. If something’s wrong, I’ll say it. (Ok, as I’m writing this, he’s saying I’m lying. I DO NOT AGREE.)

Anyway.

There are a lot of women, and men too, who do this. Pretend like nothing’s wrong, while they’re really seething on the inside.

If no one has said this to you, before, I’m saying it now – playing the “fine” card, does not accomplish anything. All it really does is it makes things confusing and unnecessarily convoluted.

Just like my body has been doing.

Yes, my body is currently playing the “fine” card.

As I wrote a little while ago, I was having strange pain in my stomach. It was so bad that it stopped me from being able to eat, being able to exercise, and stopped me from being able to go out with friends. It was also such a weird pain that I couldn’t really tell what it was – and neither could my doctor. It was terrifying.

My body was attacking me from the inside and we had no idea why.

In an effort to reduce the pain and hopefully solve the problem, I went on a clear fluid/soft food diet for over a month and a half. I also had a number of uncomfortable and intrusive tests done to determine what the issue might be. After all was said and done, there was still no solution.

My doctor told me that because he couldn’t figure out what was wrong I should just try eating again and see what would happen.

I really missed food, so I thought I might as well try. The following 2 days the pain persisted. I still had no idea why.

Then, miraculously, on day 3, I ate a meal and did not feel a thing.

An hour later.

2 hours later.

10 hours later.

My body was completely fine. 

What the actual hell?!

My body had decided it was fine. 

Do I know why it was mad in the first place? No. Do I know what happened to make it better? No. Do I know when it will get mad again? No.

I have no idea what is going on inside of me. Not a single clue. And yet, somehow, on some random day, it decided that everything was A-OKAY and I could go along my merry way.

It would normally be at this point of the sitcom where the girl finally explodes and tells the guy everything that has been wrong for the past month, they talk, and eventually sort it out.

However, for me, I have no idea what was wrong, or if it will be wrong again in the near future.

While my mom and my boyfriend keep telling me that I should just be happy the pain is gone, there is a little voice in my head that keeps reminding me that it could come back at any time. You know, that same voice inside your head that reminds you to be careful what you say because you might piss off your girlfriend.

Guys, let me tell you, if that’s what you think when you’re around your girlfriend, the relationship is not going to last.

But I can’t break up with my body.

I’m stuck in a relationship with it.

For whatever reason it decides to be mad, whenever it decides to be mad, I have no control and no solution. I just have to ride it out until it decides that it’s over it.

So, for now, I am fine.

sigh

Jessica Grossman
info@uncoverostomy.org
1Comment
  • Mark Edmund Williamson
    Posted at 11:21h, 21 February Reply

    I wanted to share my experience with you, Jessica .I am a 53 year old male who lives alone, no friends and basically is living a loner existence . This is not by choice ,I have spent half my life trying to make friends, get into relationships and am even a godfather to two boys .What this has brought me is being used, mentally abused and finally discarded from what I thought were true friendship . I have had only one personal relationship when I was 46 with a 49 year old widowed co/worker. Because of my zero relationship experiences, financial/ social differences with her and not wanting to waste her or my time , I decided to be upfront, honest and open .As it turned out we were complete opposites but, after her telling me “I like you because you are real ” we began to get in a relationship. Even tough I told her that I could not give her what her husband gave her(I love you just the way you are do not change) we spent a year together and long story short broke up with me by saying “we are too different, you are not what I wanted, the relationship did not move , it was a big nothing ,I want a man in control you knew something was wrong but, you did not address it and the cruelest thing that someone has ever said to me” you have nothing to offer” . In the following years ,I still had to work with her and while trying to still be her friend(what she wanted/I did not want to hate my first love)she went back to her ex not even a year later(a man who she tells me is going to warn me about her)waits 3 months to tell me/gets engaged/unengaged /moves him into her home as a roommate after her college aged sons graduate and move away/starts another relationship with a sixty two year old co/worker who leaves his 40 year marriage for her and who moves him in while her ex is paying her rent.(this is a catholic woman who told me she did not start dating until two years after her husbands passing yet ,I was her 3rd relationship in 4 years(I waited four years just to ask her out)?She knew everything up front and when I called her out it she told me it did not matter at the beginning and when I asked her if she ever loved me /she never gave me an answer/when I told her I loved her she would ask me why I had to hear her say it back/I even gave her flowers and a cd of her favorite song secrets by seal she told me I would hate her if we ever broke up? Having to watch this play out /all in under two years, After her ex telling me how they were in contact the whole time we were together(even though she was with me but never stopped loving him)me telling him she told me she should have never gone out with him, did not know how long they were together, he is a liar /me letting him know that her new boy friend is still legally married and neither of them telling their exes/the exes contacted each other and all 4 went to divorce court together for a year before it got settled. My ex got engaged a year after the divorce and stopped talking to me even though I congratulated her on engagements because I was the one who told her ex about her and her future husband adultery.(he told me that he would leave his marriage if he had the chance” with a woman from his past”).For most people, this living casino-based soap opera would be so easy to forget however, this is my FIRST ,relationship experience, I waited 46 years to tell someone that I loved them(her knowing everything before we even stated to date) and while being raised to believe that love is unconditional(my parents were total opposites, married 52 years and raised six kids with a father with only a tenth grade education)her reply that only works if you have kids . I have endured being mentally& emotionally raped, stolen from by her and her youngest son ,losing my job (after their engagement)and failing to find love , joy , friendship and happiness in every day life. Zero friends ,both parents deceased, 5 siblings but, only one to talk with, no job in over two years . I do not know what to do whether I have brought this on myself, do I really have nothing to offer and will not be able to find true love, friendship and happiness ?Thank you for reading this Jessica sincerely, Mark E Williamson

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